The Official Guide to Hogwarts
by chistar
Summary: "The Official Guide to Everything to be Known in, Around, and About Hogwarts and the Residents of Such" is a book with a mind of its own. Very funny, slightly odd. Enjoy!
1. Introduction

Hello, everyone. This story/thing was born when my sister and I couldn't find anything on fanfiction.net that we were in the mood to read, so I told my sister that I would write something for her. So, I asked her for a noun, because I was in the mood to write something weird, and she said: Hogwarts! And, of course, I am never against writing anything about Hogwarts. This might be the single scariest thing you will ever read, but I find it amusing, and am rather proud of it, so please, only constructive criticism if you have negative comments. Actually, I don't really care. Flame me all you like, but I DO realize that it is quite strange, so there isn't much point in telling me that it is. My sister won't even read it, she finds it too weird. I promise that the next chapter will be much longer. And I will probably put it up today. If you have ideas for Hogwarts topics I can write about, put them in your review. I plan to write about specific stories that have happened in the castle, specific people that have been in the castle at one point or another, and secret passageways. Thanks for visiting! I hope you will be glad you did.  
  
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The Official Guide to Everything to be Known in,  
Around, and About Hogwarts and the Residents of Such  
  
Introduction.  
  
Welcome, reader. You have stumbled onto the most disturbing book ever known to wizard-kind. If you have a weak stomach, are pregnant, take any medications, are a muggle, are taller than 6'7", shorter than 4'3", or fatter than my great uncle Rupert, read this at your own risk. Actually, you will be reading at your own risk anyway. We have no guarantee that this story is any more than the ramblings of an insane lunatic, and the facts might be completely made up out of nowhere. It is possible that stories may change before, after, or during the time you are reading them. Facts may be completely twisted around. Anything that you have before held as truths will be turned upside-down, whirled around, and given a swift kick. While reading this, some have been known to lose their minds, second cousins, favorite socks, or left pinkies. If you have read all this, and still choose to proceed, I wish you good luck. You will need it. And by the way, if you are Percy Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, that stupid Umbridge woman, Bellatrix Lestrange, the house-elf named Kreacher, a Blast-Ended Skrewt, Peter Pettigrew aka Wormtail, Cornelius Fudge, a traitor to the D.A., or anyone else I haven't taken a liking to, a venture forth into the contents of this book could prove fatal. And Argus Filch, don't you dare throw me away again, or I will tell the whole school that you are a nasty Squib.  
  
Review now, please! I shall be desolate if you don't! 


	2. Rules and Regulations

Rules and Regulations  
  
There are many specific rules and requirements to the use of this book. Upon opening to the second page, you entered a contract that will only be finished upon completion of the book. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to, so there. If you didn't understand the warnings, it's your own problem. In this contract, which will change sporadically, I can have you doing whatever I wish. And no, I am not a Dark Magic Book, like Tom Riddle's Diary, as I was not created by magic or by the means of any human. I made myself. And as I am not a human, I cannot use you for any Dark ways, as I don't want to. You may, however, find yourself doing rather scandalous things, while you think you are under your own influence. This is all for the benefit of this book, as I can add these stories to myself. Now, the rules of the use of this book:  
  
1. You may not pick or blow your nose while using this book. I don't care how well you wipe them on your pants or that girl in the corner's hair. I will not allow any traces of snot to be in my pages. And no blowing your nose before you use the book either, just to get me back. I will seal myself shut, and charm you to the ceiling, where you will hang for 3 hours, 7 minutes, and 52 seconds.  
  
2. I do not want you to read me while you are sick, either. See #1 for reason and consequences.  
  
3. This book is not to be used for educational purposes (Hermione, Ravenclaws, I'm sorry). I am only to be used in pranks, jokes, anything scandalous, or to bring Sirius Black back to life. I may be used for fun, but only in emergency situations.  
  
4. Everyone on reading this book has to write an entry in the back of their experiences with me. I promise that by that time, the contract is lifted, and you may write whatever you want, even negative things about me. You may not, however, throw me into a fireplace, spill Bubotuber Pus on me, feed me to Hippogriffs, or do anything else to me that might harm me in anyway.  
  
5. You are not allowed to tickle me. You just can't. I'm not ticklish, it's just...not very comfortable.  
  
6. If you have any other doubts on things that you are allowed to or not to do, just ask, or don't do it. If I don't respond, ask Peeves. We know each other rather well. He gives me some of my best information.  
  
7. HAVE FUN!!! If you are not accustomed to the emotion of joy, make sure you learn well, very well.  
  
If you do not follow these rules, I will come up with suitable retributions, or just feed you to a friend of mind that I will introduce you to later in the book. Just remember, don't learn anything, have fun, and no tickling or noseblowing! 


End file.
